I want to scream at you.
I want to push air out of my lungs and throat until anything other than my heart begins to hurt. The knots in my stomach keep getting bigger and maybe if I scream out the loneliness then the knots will undo themselves and leave me in pieces. My body shakes and my breathing is uneven even as I write these words.
We are two selfish people.
You need your time and I so, so desperately want you. I want to be thought of and sent sweet messages. I want random phone calls because you miss me and I want silly photographs with ridiculous faces.
I want romance and acts of love.
Instead you give me silence. Silence and space and ultimatums that make the knots in my stomach wrench. One moment I feel like I can handle it and like I don’t really need to hear from you. I am a strong woman, yes? I have done many things with out you. I have survived giving birth at an age when I was still a child. I have survived psychotic partners who were so emotionally abusive it is amazing there is anything left. I have survived crumbling family structures and grown without guidance.
I should be able to survive this.
But I am so angry that I have to survive this at all. Relationships should not be survived. I should not have to be alone. Relationships are not for loneliness. They are for comfort and inclusion.
And all I can hear is you telling me that I must learn to be alone.
And I want to scream at you.
For hurting me.
For disappointing me.
For letting myself be disappointed.
For letting myself think for one minute that I deserved something special and sweet and kind.
For letting myself think that I had that.
I want to scream until there is nothing left inside me.
But whenever you finally decide to grace me with your presence… my voice will smile and sing sweetly. Inside the knots will pull tighter and the scream will clamor.
And a silent scream is the most painful kind.